THE POST TO END ALL POSTS

I've really done it this time.

I've gone ahead and graduated. The documentation draws to a close.

I started this blog as a trick to get myself writing again or at least to do something creative. The entries came irregularly, but they got my brain working. Some people actually read my work. At one point, a phantom reporter from the Charlottesville Daily Progress even contacted me to express interest in putting my ideas in the paper.

From here on, Code 1053 will remain a series of editorials about the stupidity and hypocrisy of modern college life. Please feel free to browse through the other nine stories in the archives and comment away. My work may be done here, but don't worry my dears. CMike will be up to no good.

Still, I can't leave without a few final comments. In the O'Hill walking tour piece, I mentioned that every year a few students get hit by cars on campus. I still maintain that Charlottesville is a horrible place to be a pedestrian. One story that will remain unwritten took on the pedestrian bridge from the old O'Hill basketball stadium to a path behind the Lambeth dorms and towards downtown Charlottesville. A complete waste of money, the bridge provides basketball fans with a safe trip over the multi-lane Emmet Street. Unfortunately for students, the bridge lies beyond the far side of the Lambeth dorms. To this day, students dodge the traffic like I did as a second-year student. The bus used to take students right to the entrance, but the routes were redrawn to stop at a nearby, newly constructed parking garage instead.

A few weeks after the O'Hill walking tour piece launched, a young woman from the International Residence College was hit by a car and shattered her pelvis. She was crossing a different crosswalk, one with a neon "Stop for Pedestrians, It's the Law" sign, and a neon crosswalk. Throughout the year I repeatedly cursed out, flicked off, and punched the vehicles that sped through the crosswalk as I walked. Code 1053's prediction comes true.

Graduation was shockingly unceremonious. The Greeks completely undermined any sense of integrity the day could have had. As thousands lined up in front of the Rotunda ready to walk the Lawn, they came in droves, dressed in matching ribbons or holding matching balloons so everyone could see them. They drank from water bottles filled with vodka. They joked about how they'd been up all night partying one last time. I knew they weren't kidding because I'd heard them when I was moving my stuff to a summer sublet the night before. As I listened to the governor's speech, frat boys yelled inside jokes and chanted idiotically "FAC-UL-TY" to honor their econ professors. My lasting memory of graduation: Two sorostitutes on the brink of passing out, lighting up some cigarettes and taking off their graduation gowns as they waited for the ceremony to end.

Code 1053 is a phrase I came up with several years ago. It's synonymous with another phrase I created, I.O.D., an acronym for "Idiocy On Display". I encourage you to use these phrases as if they were your own in your quest to expose idiocy, hypocrisy, and nepotism in all its forms, wherever you find them.

UVa, you're officially Code 1053.

YA KNOW THE TAKE-A-PENNY JAR?

After wading through knee-deep laundry for the past month, I decided that this would be the week that I actually washed my clothes and put them in drawers. Like most other students, I've become over-involved in the University community and placed many a menial task (room cleanliness, eating properly, personal hygiene, etc.) on the back burner.

God be damned, I was really going to do that laundry this week. I'd been pushing the rules to their limits. The 'no smell rule' quickly became the 'three day rule' and eventually the dubious 'no undergarments neccessary rule.' Yet, my funds had run low on my Cavalier Advantage account, a debit card service for students linked to their ID cards. A swipe of the card and one can print off reams of online reading (8 cents per page!), or buy orange things with words like "Yooveah" and "Y'all" emblazoned on them. I can tell I'm getting old around here because I actually remember the distant days when printing was free and every student had a 1000 sheet quota per year.

My account balance had run to a dangerously low 16 cents, but there was no reason to fear. I could always add money to my account online and without any problem. I tend to add funds infrequently and in large sums to avoid the $1.00 transaction fee, which I assume is the University's charge for the electricity it takes to send my request.

This time around, I was a little hesitant to add anything over $20 because I'm graduating in about a month. I can vividly imagine what a pain in the ass it would be to try to get my remaining balance refunded. Hesitantly, I submitted my deposit of $20 on the Cav Advantage website. The window told me I had not added enough and that the minimum transaction was $25. At this point, I logged out and read through the Cavalier Advantage refund policy.

That's when it became Code 1053 time.

A student can only request a refund if his/her funds are in excess of twenty dollars. If you have 19 dollars, you lose it to the University. 15 d0llars, 10 dollars, 2 dollars, same thing. Should a student have more than twenty dollars in the account, he/she can request a refund, but will have to pay a $10.00 processing fee. That's a worse deal than you get at the bank.

Didn't the guys in 'Office Space' almost go to jail for a scam just like this?

"It's like a fraction of a twenty dollar bill, just that we take it from the graduating students, and we do it a couple of thousand times."

Luckily, my girlfriend provided me with a few singles that I was able to change into quarters after repeatedly entering and re-entering the bills into a change machine for 5 minutes straight. Take that UVa!

Sort of.

Well, on to the task of finally throwing out all those soda cans I've been meaning to recycle.

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Allow me to pat myself on the back for writing a column about Cavalier Advantage that included neither a title, pun, or statement using the words 'advantage' or 'disadvantage'.

FUN TIMES AT THE TELEVANGELIST MEDIA CENTER

I've mentioned before that I have a job here at UVa. I work ten hours each week in the Robertson Media Center, a division of the University's Clemons Library that features a collection of several thousand DVDs and over fifty viewing stations. I work at the student assistant desk and pull DVDs from the vault upon request.

Behind my desk, there is a huge sign that reads "Timothy B. & Lisa Nelson Robertson Media Center." One day, I asked my boss (one of the only down-to-earth administrators I've met here) who these two people are. Can you guess? They are the son and daughter-in-law of televangelist Pat Robertson.

Holy shit! The University's public collection of DVDs is funded by filthy televangelist money. This makes me laugh more than anything.

One thing about the RMC does bother me, though. In the summer of 2005, the University closed the DVD center to the public, making the resources available only to faculty and students. This move makes sense during final exam periods, when the student demand for the Center's resources can be pretty overwhelming.

Still, why should the RMC be closed to the public during the entire year? This school is funded partially by tax dollars from Virginians. I want to emphasize partially because the University is clearly making a move towards privatization, but that's another story for another time. So, what's the deal? Why aren't the resources open to the taxpayers? After all, this is a public university.

As always, Code 1053 suspected elitist foul play and probed the issue further. The results were hilarious. The bossman informed us that homeless people had been causing problems on the floor, ranging in severity from simply smelling bad to masturbating in public.

And then, Code 1053 found comic gold beneath the RMC desk, an old log book of complaints filed by employees concerning the patrons. Apparently, the staff had wanted the floor closed to the public for quite some time and were building a game plan to get the resolution passed.

These are all real. Here we go:

3/9/05: Porn patron at workstation. I sat next to him and he left. History full of porn sites.

3/9/05: Report filed because of patron with terrible body odor. The whole floor reeks!

3/15/05: Smelly patron created a void. Nobody could sit by him.

3/16/05: Smelly patron sat outside my office and made it stink so bad I had to leave. Closing the door made it worse.

3/16/05 : Had to shut my door due to "coughing phlegm man."

3/17/05: Physically nauseated by smell of patron. Had to leave office to go for fresh air.

3/17/05: I often have to hold my breath or stop working when I am near the desk. The smell is so bad!

3/21/05: Young man who I've reprimanded frequently for watching online porn came downstairs, saw me, did a circuit around the RMC, stopped in front of the desk and belched loudly.
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If you're a taxpayer not affiliated with UVa, or a "VA Borrower" in library terminology, don't be mad at us that you can't watch "Sex and the City" this weekend. Rather, point your finger at the rank bums who masturbate on Pat Robertson's floor.

As a defender and proponent of all things filth, I pledge my undying allegiance to Coughing Phlegm Man!

PHI SIGMA KAPPA EPSILON ZETA TAO!

The closer I get to graduating, the more I feel that I'm surrounded by people who have comlpletely wasted their time here. Around March of every year, 4th-year students start printing their feelings on graduation in various publications. I never really paid any attention to them until this year.

This morning I read an article about all the things one person would miss: the long weekends starting every Thursday night, no classes on Fridays, skipping class for the hell of it, and not having to start the day until past noon.

I ask myself what the hell people like her have been doing for the past four years. This place is like day care for twenty-year old children.

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I finally got on the Facebook and came across someone's profile. I found this in her bio:

Clubs and Jobs: Delta Zeta BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBY

My heart grows blacker each day.

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PRUDE NATION

One of my internships (I have two and a job) is with a local HIV/AIDS services group. I feel like a puss just writing that.

This week my assignment was to set up a table on the Lawn (UVa's quad) and promote a fundraiser by handing out t-shirts, brochures, condoms, and lube.

Conclusion drawn: Rich, white southerners fear public references to sex.

I'll highlight some key events for you.

A) A 130 pound white kid approaches the table and asks if the condoms are free. I reply in the affirmative and he turns beet red. My co-worker asks him if he wants any. He says no and sidles off to a nearby table. While talking to a person at the next table, he intermittently glances at the giant pile of 'doms.

B) A frat boy at the table next to ours takes a break from promoting his Bocce ball fundraiser.
"I see you have condoms but what are those packets of goo for?"

C) The next day, same table, different frat boy:
"Why are you guys giving away anal lube?"

D) A little Muslim woman:
"Why are you selling condoms if you're from an AIDS group?"

At the end of the week, two sleeze-balls were the only people brave enough to take free condoms and they took more than their fair share.

UVa is one of the only colleges I've ever visited that does not readily supply free contraception. Only the queer student groups have free condoms and lube in supply. Otherwise, one has to go into the basement of the student health building across campus, go into the basement, and request them from an office. Schools like Vassar College provide condoms in every dormitory hall and even have a mail service that will put a dozen condoms in your mailbox if you send them an e-mail.

So, at a school where condoms and lube are hard to come by, why doesn't anyone take them?

POSTER CHILDREN

Let's get this thing back on track with two quick tales of idiocy. These are the stories of two friends.

1) Female. Age 22. 4th Year Student.

This woman planned to double-major in Russian Language and Drama. In the Spring of 2005, she was accepted into an intense acting program at the Moscow Art Theater. The Moscow Art Theater is considered by many to be the world's finest training ground for young actors. Pretty damn impressive.

Upon returning to the States, the Russian Department transferred her Moscow Art credits, sensibly reasoning that her immersion in the Russian culture should count towards her degree.

Oh, but what about the Drama department? The Drama faculty would not accept all the credits and demanded that she retake similar classes at the University because the Moscow Art Theater was not an official host school for UVa students. The woman argued for three weeks and then gave up, settling for the minor in Drama.

So, studying at the world's premier theatre for a semester doesn't count towards your drama degree. I couldn't think of a more elitist and unfair policy than a drama department in Virginia equating its program with a world-class program and then exhibiting such an unwillingness to compromise, that it would force a student to alter her degree plans.

Meanwhile, hundreds of students each year travel all over the world to approved programs in places like Peru and Valencia and do nothing but travel the entire time, pausing for mild study sessions. I know of one student who went to Peru, took classes for two weeks, and then travelled South America for the remainder of the semester. The program director in Peru passed him because he was " a cool guy" and UVa accepted the credits.

I recently attended a one-woman show written by this woman and her incredible talent was obvious. So, hats off to the Drama department for recognizing and encouraging your students!

2) Male. Age 22. 4th Year Student.

This working class scholar comes from humble beginnings. A seemingly wonderful program called "Access UVa" suports him with the financial aid he needs to attend the University. UVa has really worked hard to promote this program and I suspect more money goes into its publication than into its actual implementation. I wonder how much they paid mediocre actor and UVa alumnus Sean Patrick Thomas to pose for those photos.

Our friend needs nine credits to graduate and couldn't afford to pay for a full semester. So, he asked if he could pay for the nine credits. His request was denied.

When this option failed, he asked for more loan money and the school told him he had maxed out his loans. What a great program.

Take a good look at the Access UVa site because his picture's on it. I won't tell you who he is, but he's literally the poster child for this program. When denied the funding he asked the University's financial advisor, "Dont' you think it's important that I graduate? My picture is on all of the brochures."

He is currently working at a local establishment, paying off his loans, and contemplating whether he will return in the Fall to finish his remaining credits.